Ep 20: The Sacrifices We Make PART TWO

In this episode, John wraps up a two-part conversation about the sacrifices musicians make to live this life. From missed time and uncertain schedules to the hidden strain on mental health and relationships, this episode is about learning to name the real costs, understand them clearly, and navigate them with more honesty, strength, and intention. Along the way, he shares practical tips for coping better, communicating healthier, and building a version of the music life that can actually last.

Transcript

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You are listening to the Gig to Live Podcast. Welcome everyone. I'm John Foles and I'm a full-time working musician. This podcast is about building a music life that holds up over time. It's practical, enjoyable, sometimes uncomfortable, but it's always about helping you stay in the game and actually enjoy the life that you're building. We'll meet some wonderful working musicians from time to time. So whether you're just getting started or you've been doing this for years, you're in the right spot. This podcast is for you. Well, hey everyone. Welcome back. This is the second part of an episode that we started last week where we talked about the sacrifices that we make as musicians. And I am just going to pick up where we left off, okay? So if you didn't hear part one of this, please go back to the episode that aired last week and take a listen. All right, let's get started. And then that personal time and energy thing, you know, that energy factor, different than the normal time constraint, uh, you know, relational strain, and different than than not having time to exercise. This one is personal. A musician may come home after giving everything away. You've already given it away. You laid it out all on the stage, you laid it out in that room, you've been social, engaging, uh be alert, you've been flexible, and you've been on display for everyone. And by the time you walk in the door, your tank can be low. And your family and friends sometimes get the leftovers when strangers got the best of you. And honestly, you need rest. There's a physical cost. Your arms hurt, your back hurts, your feet hurt, your head hurts, your job is physically demanding, and that is tough. And you have to be good at your music job to succeed. You have to give it all. No one should ever fault you for that, but we'd be crazy not to talk about it and surface a need to do something about it. You go to the doctor to talk about all your ailments, and they want you to exercise regularly, and you think, when am I going to go to the gym? And how in the world will I even feel like going? Now, I know some of you do it. I know some of you get out there and you do it. You're diehards, right? You young'ins, you out there, you know, slinging that axe on the stage or playing that piano or drums or bass, and you know, you're just killing it, and then you wake up early and you go to the gym. But for some of us, it can feel insurmountable. And regardless of exercise, it does take a toll on our bodies. A college football player can have a great exercise routine his entire life, like my neighbor in Michigan, and still end up with shitty knees and a horrid back. And then there's the hidden emotional cost, right? When we're talking about personal time and energy, the emotional cost is part of this. Sometimes the musician becomes, you know, the special exception in the family. The one who never can come to anything, the one arriving late, the one leaving early, the one whose life is different. People may or may not understand, but distance and resentment can still grow there, and we feel it. Man, we wear that. The emotional cost is huge. And sometimes they just don't understand, and it causes tension because you just wish that they would. But you know, their world is different. They they couldn't imagine giving up their Saturdays. My mom isn't alive anymore. She passed in 2023 on our wedding anniversary, which was a suck of a different level, but she was always the one in the family that brought everyone together. Every year there was a family Christmas party. It was always on the second Saturday in December, which was also one of my biggest earning nights of the year. And you know what? I missed that party a couple of years because I had a hard time turning down the money. I needed to feed my family. And I had a talk with my mom once, though, and I told her, I said, Mom, you know, I make $1,000 to $1,500 on average for a private Christmas party on that day. And I may have multiple parties on that day. And being with the family on that Saturday is like me writing a $1,500 check or a $3,000 check. Now, looking back, I would pay $1,500 to spend a Saturday with my mom right now. Get my checkbook. But there was also a part of me that wished that one year, maybe once, the rest of the family could meet on a Sunday night when a gig demand wasn't the same, or God forbid, meet on a Wednesday night. I even asked the family one year. I said, You guys, is it possible to do the family party on a Monday night? Oh man, you would have thought that I murdered someone. No one could even imagine staying up late for a party on a night when they had to get up for work the next day. Boo-hoo. A party on a weeknight? Whoever heard of such a thing? Another emotional mind job that I've experienced is feeling guilty for enjoying the time that I have with others while I'm playing music out in the world and my family is sitting at home. No, my wife doesn't need a bunch of relationships. And honestly, she hates being out at night. She no longer has an interest in seeing me play like the early days. She's seen me play 10 bajillion times. And she never makes me feel guilty about being out at night. She's just fine with this arrangement that we have. I feel blessed. However, I still feel weird about it from time to time. And I'm always aware that if I'm not careful and wise, as I am building a social life of sorts that doesn't include my wife, there is potential for danger and bad choices. So protect your relationships, kids. Honor them. But you know what? With all of that said, and taking into account the sacrifices of family and stability and personal time and energy, I do, believe it or not, have a top 10 list that we need to get to. All right then, here we go. Drum roll, please. The top 10 things a musician can do to help navigate the sacrifices. Now, on this list, some of them, some of the things we talk about are going to be relational helps, and some of the things we mention are going to be for stability, and some speaking specifically to that personal time and energy part of the sacrifice. Number 10, calendar meetings. My wife Tawny and I have regular calendar meetings together. When we skip them, things start to feel messy. And our first thought is always, oops, it is time for a calendar meeting. Whether it's over coffee or sitting in bed in the morning or at breakfast, go out to breakfast or have a lunch together, whenever. Both of us sitting there face to face with our computers ready to talk. And by the way, a shared calendar has been way helpful for both of us. Color-coded. My wife knows exactly where I'm going to be at what time. And we color code everything, you know. If I put a gig on the calendar, it's color-coded orange. And I know that my wife is going to see that. And I have a specific wording too. Concert at wherever it is. So she knows what is happening at that time. If there's something else that I need to do for my music job, I color code it orange as well, too. So she knows that's what's happening. And then we have, you know, our uh personal things that we color code, and we have our time together that we color code, you know, our vacation time and spending time with family. Uh, but it's super important that shared calendar for us. And then the just talking about it together while we're sitting there looking at one another so we know exactly what is going to take place. And talking about it helps us to plan for the things that we uh where there's gaps, right? If we are sitting there talking for a half an hour and we realize, oh my goodness, this is a huge season of a lot of gigs. It's really important for us to know that we have to schedule something so we can have real time together. That's I can't stress how important it is to get that stuff on the calendar. And it also helps us in this conversation to protect certain dates. So if something is coming up in the future and I don't have a gig already scheduled, oftentimes Tani will say, you know, that's the weekend that ABC or XYZ is happening. And I can, I can actually, it's my prerogative and her prerogative to say, let's mark that thing off and not work that weekend. So we're protecting that date. If it's important enough, then we need to protect it. And when we're having a calendar meeting, for me, in my mind, I'm always thinking, you know, when I am at home with my wife, and it was this way when we were raising children, I need to be fully present. Now, I don't know that I always did a good job with that. I know that I have got way better over the years. And I feel like I'm pretty good at it now. But being fully present when I am at home means a lot to the family. And then I also know in those calendar meetings, we need to give one another permission to communicate honestly about our individual hopes and our dreams and our expectations. And we talk about those things in advance so there is less chance of something absolutely blowing up on us. So number ten, calendar meetings can't stress how important that is. Number nine, talk about seasons. When we were raising kids, we never talked about balance. I think that balance is an unfair word for a musician. Balance suggests that something is evenly weighted. So when people say that they wish they could spend, you know, equal time with family and music and friends, yada yada yada, I think, oh no, that is never the reality for the musician. We talk about seasons. Some seasons are going to be severely weighted towards music. And at the end of those seasons, then my wife and I are very purposeful about planning for family time and relationship time. And when we were raising kids, we talked about those seasons. This is what it looks like at the end of this season. You know, dad is going to be super busy from this date to this date, but oh my goodness, you know what's happening after that? And we would talk about it and we would look forward to those times. And we helped our kids understand why all seasons are important for us as a family. And now my kids are gone and they're raising kids of their own. And you know what? We still talk about seasons, and so do they. Number eight. Have a budget. Have some sort of system. In the lean times, we use cash and an envelope system. We budget money for things like groceries, and we take that envelope full of cash to the store, and we know we have X amount of dollars for groceries, and it keeps us from spending frivolously and knowing that we have plastic in our pockets to put anything on at any time. You have to know where your money is going, and any financial planner will tell you this. Now, I am not, I don't have uh, you know, a corner on this market. I am not perfect with my money. Dear Lord, no. But I do have a budget and I am way better at it at this point in my life. You have to know where that money is going. When you actually capture how much you're spending and where it's going, what we're usually absolutely shocked at how much money is spent in any particular area. And it's easy in the trades and in the gig economy, which I grew up in the trades and now I'm in the gig economy. It's easy because we live paycheck to paycheck to spend that money as soon as it comes in. I remember my my mom and dad didn't really have a good budget. They always struggled with things. And I remember my dad come home with his big fat check from a job, and woo-hoo, we'd go out and buy ice cream and steak and watermelon. That was my dad's thing. He was way into that. But, you know, and then all of a sudden that money went super fast and they had to learn some really hard lessons. Without a budget, we will always spend more. Without a budget, we don't know where to make adjustments. Without a budget, we can't plan for emergencies or lean times. Budgets help us to plan for vacations and mental health days and big expenses. And we need things like sinking funds where we put aside monthly stipends to plan for those huge unexpected expenditures, right? We need to be able to plan for those things. So number eight is have a budget. Number seven, when you're putting together your budget, budget for fun and budget for health. One of the mistakes that I have made in the past is when we're trimming our budget down, we swing the pendulum too wildly. Cable's gone, no eating out anymore, no trips to the movies, no concerts, kill the gym membership. And early on in our marriage, that would backfire so badly. We'd both get into a spot where we deprived ourselves of fun, and then we'd get out the credit card and we'd go on a cruise and we would regret pain off that trip, right? Now we know that we need recreation, we need travel money, we need vacation money, we need a massage here and there, especially vacations for us. That money we spend is referred to as marriage insurance for us. So number seven is budget for fun, budget for health. I cannot stress it enough. Number six, make lifestyle changes. Consider downsizing. Or consider making big lifestyle choices like moving to another city or to another state that's less expensive than the one you currently live in. Consider selling the expensive cars and buying cheaper ones. Sell the junk that you don't need. If you're married and your spouse doesn't work, consider that. What would that look like? This can be one of the hardest things to do, this lifestyle change thing. It takes a complete rethinking. People often tell my wife and I that we are living the dream, or more specifically, we're living their dream, because we travel full-time in an RV. I get to play music, she gets to make art. You know, we're just living the bohemian, wonderful, you know, lifestyle that everybody wants. And I tell them, you know what, it's easy. You can do it too. You just lose everything you have and you do it. Because quite frankly, that's what it took for us kids. After COVID, we had to start completely over from the beginning, like we were two kids in love. Now, it doesn't take as much to live on doing what we're doing. That is a fact. Is it a sacrifice? In some ways, and in others, it's just the smell of freedom. So make lifestyle changes. Number five. Talk with the people who need to understand. On any number of occasions, I have had to have a sit-down talk with family members or friends to let them know what the musician lifestyle is like and what it means for our relationship. I give them a peek inside my head and a peek into my world. So I'll give you a, for instance, here, I'll pretend I'm talking to my brother now to give you an idea. If I were talking to my brother, I would say something like, Hey man, I need you to hear me on something. And I want you to understand that the musician life can look fun from the outside. It looks like I'm having a ton of fun, but there is a lot that people don't see. There are missed holidays, being gone a lot, weird hours, money that can be up and down, pressure to keep it all moving, no real safety net. And I know you guys see me having fun, but few people see what it takes to keep doing it year after year. And I know that that affects our relationships too. I know it has affected our relationship. Being gone, being tired, me being tired, you know, schedules never lining up, carrying stress that nobody sees. It all adds up sometimes. And I'm not asking for your sympathy. But I do need some understanding. Music isn't just something that I do for fun. It's it's how I've built my life. And I know that the people close to me feel the repercussions of this. But please know I love you so much. Can we put some things on the calendar and plan to spend some time together? I'll even let you take me to lunch and you can pay. Wink wink. If you don't have those kinds of talks, then it gives room for bitterness to take root in your relationships. And because believe me, your family and your friends are talking about you. So don't approach it defensively. Approach it as seeking to have mutual understanding, but definitely talk with the people who need to understand. Number four, surround yourself with some life editors. What's a life editor? I I like to talk about this a lot. A life editor is someone who will call you on your BS because they know you. You're well enough to recognize the lies that you tell yourself. A life editor is someone who's going to help you grow through conversation and experience in order for you to become the best possible version of yourself. A life editor is that person that helps you to not be what you may be unhealthily compelled to be. A life editor is someone who encourages you and they lift you up and they're a good sounding board for you. A life editor is someone you love and trust. It's someone who doesn't have financial gain at stake in your health or wellness or your ability to perform. A life editor is somebody, and this is important, that you've invited to give you feedback and critique. Someone who's honest, someone who listens well, someone who has wisdom and insight and intuition and life experience, someone who loves you for you with all of your quirks and your brokenness and your beauty and your gifting. Man, that that person is super precious. Now, here's what a life editor is not. It's not someone that you are not in relationship with, right? You don't place an ad for a life editor. It's not a stranger, it's not a hired hand, it's not a fringe friend. A life editor isn't someone who likes to give you their opinion even when you didn't ask for it. And they are definitely not the consummate devil's advocate. That person you do not need in your life. You need the other person. A life editor is not something or or someone that you just pick willy-nilly. Finding a life editor is uh an organic process. It looks something like this. Um, start by identifying the people who are in your life who have the qualities that you need. And be aware of the people that rise to the surface as potential life editors just by being themselves, right? You didn't ask them to play a role yet, but man, they they just kind of fit the role. And then invite that person to play that role. Make it legit. They'll usually ask you, well, what is that going to require of me? And if it's the right person, the answer is you keep doing what you're doing in my life, but maybe a little more intentionally from time to time. I just want to call you my life editor. I want to knight you, right? Continue to foster and nurture that relationship. Life editors for me, boys and girls, have been the thing. They have been amazing in my life. And I would have made so many more mistakes because we all make mistakes, but I would have made so many more mistakes in my life if it were not for my life editors. They have steered me in the right direction. And then when I do make mistakes, they are always the ones who have their arms wide open, ready to receive me, ready to be a shoulder to cry on. My goodness, we need these people. Yeah, because the sacrifice is real. So we need these people. All right, number three. Consider finding a therapist. Besides life editors, my therapist has been an amazing person in my life. And you know what? I had to go through a few therapists to find this one. Not all of them are right for you. There is not a one size fits all kind of a therapist. When I need to cuss and scream, when I need to cry, when I need to tell someone how I'm feeling without fear of it damaging our relationship, when I need to get good advice from someone who watches me from afar, when I need to have a good sounding board from someone who's not a friend, I mean they're they're a friend, they're friendly, but they're not, you know, like my best friend. When I need to talk about deep mental health issues and I get professional advice, man, it's my therapist, and he's on speed dial. Number two, make yourself happy. We need things that anchor us as musicians, things we can count on, things that bring us joy. What do you need? You know? Exercise? Prayer? Meditation? A trip to the movies? Better morning coffee? A good book? A Friday breakfast with your lover? That's one of my favorite things. Quiet time? Long walks, taking your pets on a hike? Whatever things bring you joy. Schedule them and follow through. We need to keep infusing ourselves with the things that bring us joy to remind us that we still have choices even when the sacrifices are great. And then number one, and honestly, there's probably so much more. I know there's so much more than a top ten list, but I wanted to keep this to two episodes for us. Number one is re-evaluate. When it starts to feel like it's too much, you know what? It it may be time for a shift. It may be time to raise your rates. Maybe time to set aside one day a week and do nothing. I'm a huge fan of that kind of rest. We're gonna do a whole episode on rest. Uh it may be time to find an income stream that will help you, something that you, you know, haven't got going yet. It may be time to do less. It may be time to say no to one of your venues. It may be time to not travel as far. It may be time to go to marriage counseling. Reevaluate. It may be time to make some tweaks for your health and the health of your relationships. And so ends another podcast. This one kind of uh took some energy from me because I feel a lot of these things so deeply. I really hope that this was helpful for you. Do you have an idea of something that you'd like to hear about on this podcast? Or would you like to talk more about anything that we talked about on this episode or the last two episodes? Uh, then drop me an email, please, gig2podcast at gmail.com. I'll get to you as as soon as I can. I I I don't sit and look at the email all day long, but I promise uh I won't ignore it for a long time. I check that thing from time to time, and I I would love to talk to you. I'd love to hear from you. All right. Stay creative, stay after it, stay hired.