Ep 12: Annoying Things People Say to Musicians

In this episode, John dives into those weird, awkward moments every gigging musician knows all too well. The ones that stop you mid-song, make you smile on the outside, and think something very different on the inside. It’s not malicious. It’s just the strange gap between life on stage and how people see it from the other side of the room.

This one matters because those moments happen all night, every night, and how you handle them can either throw you off or become part of your rhythm. Left unchecked, they can get under your skin. Handled right, you may make a friend.

John breaks it down with honesty and humor, and of course, a Top 10 list to help you roll with it, stay sharp, and keep the night moving without losing your edge.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

You are listening to the Gig to Live Podcast. Welcome everyone. I'm John Foles. I am a full-time working musician. This podcast is where I share the strategies, the mindset, and the lessons that help performers build something that works and something that lasts. We'll talk about smart moves, self-inflicted wounds, happy clients, drunk patrons, more gigs, better gigs, what to keep, what to toss out. If you gig or you want to gig, this podcast is for you. Welcome to the podcast, everyone. If you are a gigging musician, you're in the right place. If you're looking for American history, that is down the hall and to the right. I thought it would be fun to laugh a little bit today and talk about the top 10 most annoying things that people say to us at gigs. We are in the people business and everyone's a little quirky and strange, right? When you mix the oddities of the muggles with the strange brew of the performers, uh then interesting things happen sometimes. Sometimes, though, even if it's funny or annoying or we get tired of answering, sometimes we just don't know what to say. Uh, and that's that's an issue. That's something we need to talk about. And I'm hoping that we can toss a few things around here today, and I'm going to get right to it. So, today's list: drum roll, please. The top 10 annoying things people say to musicians. Now, you may have others to add to this list, but I think this is a really good start, and it's a pretty common thing across the board, this top 10. Uh, number 10. What do you do for work? Well, a while ago I made a post on Facebook about being approached by someone at a gig where they asked me what I do for a living. Now, I'm I'm a full-time musician. If you're a full-time musician, then you've probably heard this too. And you probably feel in many ways the same way I do when I hear this. If you're a part-time musician, it might hit you differently. Maybe not. No matter where we are on the full-time or part-time continuum, uh, it hits in a similar way. Depending on the night and the person asking, it can hit differently. When a drunk person stumbles up and says, uh, hey, what do you do for work, man? Then it can feel different than the little old lady who comes up and says, What do you do for work? It hits different on different nights depending on the circumstances and the way we feel. But typically, at first it can sound like some version of an insult. Maybe we take it with a grain of salt, we can laugh inside, you know, bless your sweet little cold black heart. Or maybe it frustrates us. Maybe we think that this is just not worth explaining to this person that I do not know. One thing I've learned is that most people aren't trying to insult us, they're trying to understand. And it seems foreign to them that you can make a living as a musician for a number of reasons. First, uh, musicians are always talking in the media about how difficult it is to make it. So part of it's our fault. Maybe their framework of a job only sees uh a regular schedule and a boss and some kind of structure. Maybe they only see you working three or four nights a week, and it just seems impossible that you're making a living. So the default is this must just be a side hustle. And it's understandable. Still annoying as heck, but understandable. People don't understand what they haven't yet seen or heard. Now, I've done some soul searching on this one, and I I think it's more um than you know, ignorance that makes us mad. Uh, you know, the thought that they don't know how a musician can make a living or they haven't witnessed it before. It's more than that. I think that deep down it feels like a question about our identity and our value. Even if it isn't, it feels that way. So it can trigger defensiveness in us if we're not careful. If we're not careful about our response. Sometimes the responses, you know, we way over-explain it in order to somehow prove our worth or our legitimacy. And sometimes we can be sarcastic. Well, we don't need a full-blown speech for a response. We just need a clear and confident statement. And you really want to keep this short. So something like, hey, thanks for asking. I'd do this full time. You'd be surprised how often that does the trick. And sometimes they they ask for more because they're interested. And again, fighting sarcasm here is important. So a short answer like, you'd be surprised how this runs like a small business. Uh or you know, gigging is the payoff and the fun part, but the weekly management can make you break out in a sweat. James Brown, make me break out in a cold sweat.

unknown 5:38

Ha.

SPEAKER_01 5:39

Sometimes if we have the right attitude, we can pull it off with humor. So recently somebody asked what I do for a living, and I stepped back and I stretched my arms out wide and I said, ta-da! And we had a great conversation after that, after they laughed. But just for fun, I made a list of the things I do. I shared this on Facebook a while ago, but this is the part of the podcast today where you and I commiserate, and you can say, that's right, bro. Yeah. So here's a list of things that I do as a musician. The one I don't recite. I don't tell this to people. This is for your benefit. You ready? Marketing to new venues, marketing to past venues and keeping relationships warm, sending follow-up emails after inquiries or gigs, responding to booking requests via email and booking sites, creating new quotes and estimates, drafting and sending invoices, following up on unpaid invoices, scheduling and rescheduling events, tracking payments and reconciling accounts, updating booking calendars in all spaces online, completing contracts for weddings, corporate events, and larger shows, coordinating details with event planners, coordinators, and sound text, updating electronic press kits and bios as per venue and event, managing mailing lists and newsletters, doing bookkeeping, expense tracking and tax prep, researching and applying for showcases and/or festivals, designing social media posts, creating multiple versions of graphics, square, vertical, horizontal, banner-sized thumbnails, writing copy for promotional materials, filming and editing video clips for social platforms, updating websites and artist profiles, uploading new photos, videos, and music samples, planning and scheduling social media content, communicating with photographers, videographers, and graphic designers, adding new songs to the set list, charting new songs, chords, form, arrangements, practicing new material, rehearsing with bandmates. That's only occasional for me. Recording demos or rehearsal tracks, working on original music or songwriting, arranging set lists, researching song requests or trending material, learning songs for special clients or themed events, taking care of instruments, cleaning, polishing, and general upkeep, restringing instruments, tuning and intonation adjustments, checking electronics, cables, mics, and pedals, taking equipment in for repairs or upgrades, organizing gear cases and accessories, purchasing new gear or replacing worn-out items, testing and maintaining PA systems, answering all social media questions, responding to all client emails, clarifying event timelines, playlists, and special requests, sending event questionnaires, confirming event details, arrival times, load-in instructions, attire breaks, etc. Coordinating with DJs, other musicians or planners, handling last-minute client changes, booking hotels or arranging lodging, scheduling rehearsals and studio time, scouting new revenue opportunities when traveling, calculating mileage reimbursements or deductions, keeping track of or ordering new inventory, merch, business cards, cables, strings, packing and reorganizing gig bags, taking online courses or tutorials, learning new technology, attending networking events or music community gatherings, listening to new music to stay relevant, vocal warmups and vocal care routines, resting intentionally to prevent burnout. Ta-da! Okay, moving on. Number nine, here's another one. Can I sing with you? Or the matching classic, can I play with you? A total stranger recently said to me, Hey man, can I grab my congas out of the car and join you? Now, part of me l loves the excitement that that person has, and I have an internal gut check because they're just looking for camaraderie and friendship. Or you know, maybe they're looking for a free ride or a foot in the door, or they're toxic. I have no idea because I don't know them, and it's weird. Maybe it would be the greatest thing in the world. Maybe it would be a train wreck. I have no idea. For me, it's not worth the gamble. Some of my friends do it. I don't like the gamble. So my honest response is that the venue is paying me to play, and I need to stick with that arrangement and do what I'm getting paid for. And they usually understand. I also try to follow up with, hey, do you play anywhere around here? I'd love to come see you sometime. And I I actually genuinely mean that. But it's also a way for me to figure out where they're at on the continuum. Honestly, they usually don't play anywhere. They're just looking a jam. But they might play somewhere, and maybe you're gonna make a friend. As odd as it feels, I try to acknowledge them and not make them feel dumb, even if I think their tactics need some work. Honestly, I'm also really afraid of germs, and I do not want someone licking my microphone like David Lee Roth and then handing it back to me. I don't know what I'm gonna get. Have I ever let someone join in with me on a whim? Yes. But they were obviously drunk, they were with a crowd of their friends, and their friends were cheering them on. We were in a dive bar, it was ten minutes before closing, and that story is for a different podcast episode. Perhaps called the top ten funniest moments or something along those lines. Number eight. You should be on the voice or American Idol. You know, I should be happy about this. Honored maybe. They don't know that it sometimes lands like an insult, though. Like what you do isn't enough. Like you're not quite yet a star. Like you even want that kind of fame. They don't know the grind. They don't know that you secretly hate the fact that some of those people get record contracts and they still have a subscription to 17 magazine and they had to ask mom's permission and for a ride to come to the show, and you know, that makes you mad. They don't know that. There are a ton of ways to respond simply without being defensive, though, or making someone feel dumb. You don't need to educate them. We need to keep it simple, right? So something like, hey, I really appreciate that. That's kind. And then move on. They might persist. They have for me in the past. They might go on, well, have you ever tried out? In these cases, I usually answer with something funny like, my mom won't let me. Or imagine me in tight pants and lipstick. Or I I tried, but I couldn't cry on cue. Or my grandkids already think I'm a rock star and I don't want to go on a show and ruin their perceptions. I've tried all those things. Maybe you feel like taking a different road altogether and responding, you know, I like the road I'm on. I I get it, but it's not me. People usually understand that. So keep it simple. Number seven. Hey, do you know this song by Insert Random Artists that you've never heard of? I got this recently. I can't even remember what the artist's name was. And when I asked where I could hear the artist for future reference, they said YouTube. And at first I thought they were saying that that's where they usually go to listen to them, because my dad does this. He'll say, Hey, have you heard that song, the one that has that really tall guy playing sax in the back? And he gives me a visual cue so I know he's been listening on YouTube. That's understandable. This was not that. It was a YouTube artist, as in an artist who the only way you would know them is through YouTube. An artist sitting with a guitar on their bed, a 20-year-old guitar prodigy, and they showed me the video. The kid was amazing. And there was absolutely no way in heaven or on earth that I knew the song, nor could I even play it, because honestly, dang it, that kid was way better at playing guitar than I am. But he did something totally different. There's no way I could play that song, even if I knew it. Now, that's fantastic for the YouTube artists. Godspeed to you. And and good for this kid, he caught someone's attention. And I guess I had this person fooled that I was way more talented of a finger-style guitarist than I am. But how am I supposed to know music by Indiana Lee Smitherson Jr. from Sheboygan Falls, Wisconsin? I made that name up in place, by the way. I don't know if the person was trying to sound smart. I don't know if they were trying to trip me up, test my music knowledge, or they legit thought that my algorithm is artists like that. Actually, as I say that, my algorithm is kind of like that, but that's besides the point. I have found the best way for me to respond is not to feign interest, not pretend, but to simply say, I'm sorry, I don't know that song or I don't know who that is. And if I'm interested in talking more, I might add, do you think it'd be worth for me adding that to myself? But if you say something like that, be prepared for YouTube or a TikTok video coming your way immediately if you dare go down that route. Sometimes I'll point to my business cards and I'll say, hey, drop me an email with some links. Um I think I can remember one, maybe two times where that has actually happened. It can be frustrating, it can be weird, but it can also be fun. And you may make a friend or learn a new song. Number six, you're really good. My uncle Steve also plays guitar. Now, sometimes when we hear something like this, we just wish they would have stopped after you're really good. But they go past the compliment and they make it sound like anyone can do this, or it just makes you feel average, or it makes you feel like they don't honor the work and it's just a hobby. You know, sometimes we're just a little too full of our big bad selves, and and we could take this, you know, very personally, but honestly, we can just move on. We can just say thank you and move on. It's really no big deal. They don't they don't know how it lands. And if you really want, depending on your interest, uh you can ask questions. Cool. Does he do it for a living? Or awesome, where does he play? Or, hey, that's neat. Do you play anything? I we're probably not going to ask to meet their Uncle Steve, you know. But again, they're just trying to find a connection point as awkward as it feels. They don't know how to enter the conversation. It reminds me of like when somebody in your family dies and people say stupid things to you after. Like when my mom died, uh, someone came up to me and said, Man, that's super tough. I heard you lost your mom. I lost my cousin last year. Now, my initial response internally was very normal and natural, and you would probably feel the same way. My internal response was, that is the dumbest thing anyone can say. But I let it sit there for a second because I realized they don't know what to say. They're just trying to connect. Number five, what are you using for gear? This is usually in the middle of a set or it's right after as you're trying to clean up. This person is often totally socially awkward and not reading the cues, but not all the time. Uh again, they're trying to connect. And oftentimes they're they're trying to validate their own sense of worth because they're also a musician and they appreciate you and they want to feel important. So, knowing all of that, I tend to have way more internal grace with this one. I'll ask them a lot of questions and try to find out where they're coming from because who knows? I may make a friend. But yeah, sometimes it's really awkward and it takes energy that you may not have wanted to spend at that time. They may have a genuine interest because they like your tone. I've helped many musicians find what they're looking for because they like my guitar, or they they like my Bose S1 Pro sound system, or they saw me using a loop pedal and it looked easy, and they would love to have one like that. Or they wonder what software I use on my dad pad for chord charts, or they saw me changing chord charts without even touching the screen, and they were wondering how that happened. Sometimes, you know, you just gotta help a brother or a sister out. If it's awkward at the time, you know, wrong timing, wrong time and place, I will usually say something like, Hey, I promise I will nerd out with you after the gig is over, but I have to keep going. And they understand that. Number four. Can you turn it down, followed by my other favorite? Can you turn it up? Same room. Everyone's hearing the same thing. Two different opinions. Now you and I know that volume is affected by a few things. People have different sensitivities. Some people are losing their hearing, some people have high frequency sensitivities, some people have hearing aids, some people are older, not that that's always a deal. Some people are younger, not that that's always a deal. Some people are sitting right in the hot spot. Some people have a lot of conversation around them. Some are sitting by the noisy kitchen, some are up front right at the stage, some are in the back. Some songs are louder than others. I do a sound check with the manager or the owner or both before and during the show. And if they come up to me and they give me volume feedback, no pun intended, then I listen harder. I listen really well to that because that opinion counts. I I have to weigh that opinion uh with more weight, right? But I cannot adjust the volume twice in a five to 10 minute span for two complete strangers when I know it's not just my volume affecting what they're responding to. So what do you do? Well, I usually respond with thanks. Is it the guitar or the vocal? I try to see, you know, if I can mess with that. If you're playing with a full band, then good luck with this one. Uh have I ever pretended to adjust my volume and do nothing about it? Um, maybe or maybe not. I will sometimes say thanks. Uh we did a sound check earlier with the owner. Can you just let me know how it sounds after this next one? And 99% of the time, I didn't touch a thing, and they give me a thumbs up and a smile and a nod and a thank you. I've said before, um, you're right in the hot spot of the room. I've said that before. Or the people in the back just asked me to turn it up, so I'm gonna try to find a happy medium, but I take it case by case. The one that really kills me is when they approach the stage, but your sound engineer is is running the show at the end of a hundred-foot snake in the back of the room. People don't understand all the time how it works. And sometimes you just don't have the the time, the energy, or the opportunity even to explain it away. They won't hear you. Uh as in, they won't comprehend, not in perceive sound. So yeah, that's a tough one. Number three. Can you play something we can dance to? Sometimes I just say yes or sure thing or coming right up. And sometimes I'll ask slow dance or upbeat dance? Because I legit don't know what they're talking about. Uh usually it's upbeat when they say that. But you know, sometimes I want to clarify. Sometimes I have to tell them uh that the venue specifically requested slow and mellow songs. That's happened a few times. Sometimes I joke around with them and tell them I'm afraid they're gonna break a hip. Maybe I'll pick it up in just a few. There's there's not a right or a wrong response because it really depends on so many things. Um maybe it the hosts requests something different, or the vibe is not right, or it's the time of night, or it's the end of the set, or it's the beginning of the set, or they're being obnoxious and bossy, or you know, maybe they're genuine and kind and they just want to get up and have some fun. It depends on so many different things. You really have to read this one as best you can, and sometimes it's frustrating because you know the vibe of the room better than they do, or you're tired, or you don't want to, or maybe you don't like being bossed around and it feels like they are in a roundabout way telling you what they do and do not like about what you're doing. But the bottom line, I think if you can do it, do it. If it doesn't make sense, don't do it. You don't have to, but weigh it. Is it a big thing or a little thing? Number two. Can you play this song while they're waving a 20 for bait? Oh man. This one may be my least favorite thing to deal with. If I know the song, it's not bad. Great, I know a 20 is coming my way. It's not horrible, but even then it sometimes feels like it feels like the only thing that is tip worthy is this person's request. And sometimes uh it's deeply influenced by the way they wave the money. When the guy with the unbuttoned Hawaiian shirt who's all sweaty and three sheets to the wind comes up to me and he does a little sexy dance while waving money and asks me to play a song, even if I know it, it just feels weird, especially when he dangles the 20 bucks over the tip jar until I respond. If I don't know the song, then it's even weirder. Uh, because sometimes they start to take the 20 back. That's happened. Or they in fact take the 20 back. All the way. They put it back in their pocket. I've had this is great. I've had someone reach into my jar and take it back. I've had a guy get change out of my jar because the song that I did offer to play is not the one he asked for, and he thought it was only worth half of what he tipped me. He was drunk, but but still, geez, the whis. So in those situations, I always offer a song in the same genre or by the same artist if I don't know the song. I tell them I love the request uh if I don't know it, uh, and I say I'll have to remember it for another time. But awkward as ever, right? Okay, here we are. Number one, do you play with a band or just like this? Now, this one is obviously just for the solo listeners out there. You may already play with the band if you're listening to this. But if you're a solo artist, uh you know, we don't know where this is coming from. They may be absolutely in love with us, uh, but they want a bigger sound for someone to hire at a wedding. We don't know that. Uh initially it can feel demeaning like, uh, do you ever think you'll become a real boy Pinocchio? I found the best thing is to uh quickly just get to the root of their question. You know, there's maybe a question behind the question. So I'll respond. I usually play solo just like this. Sometimes I play with a band, but I don't make as much money with a band, and I do this full time. And sometimes it's great conversation from there on out. Or sometimes I tell them how much harder it is for me to work with a band, and I've decided to do this and we have a great conversation. Either way, I immediately follow that up with something like, Are you looking to hire a band? And then I take it from there. They may be looking for an on-ramp to a conversation and they don't know where to start. Or I may have a killer gig to plan with a full band and someone with a big checkbook. I don't know. Both have happened, so you have to kind of go down that rabbit hole. Alright. That's the end. That's the top ten. And now for the warnings about side effects. Thanks for listening to Gig to Live. Please subscribe if you haven't already. Leave a five-star rating if you did it. Side effects of this podcast may include increased confidence, better gigs, spontaneous networking, and a sudden urge to perform. Do not listen to Gig to Live if you're allergic to honesty, allergic to growth, or currently satisfied with playing three-hour sets for beer money. Some users have reported mild discomfort when realizing they've been undervaluing themselves for years. In some cases, listeners may experience clarity and professionalism. If your set lasts longer than four hours, consult your wisdom immediately. Do not operate heavy emotional baggage while implementing new digging strategies. Ask your therapist if gig to live is right for you. Results may vary, but showing up prepared is clinically proven to help.

SPEAKER_00 28:18

Stay creative. Stay after it. Stay hired.

SPEAKER_01 28:44

Let me live. Let me live.